Surprise of Emotions

It's been a tough week.

On Friday night, I noticed that no amount of liquids would soothe my burning throat.

By Saturday, both Marc and I were sick with sore throats and sinus infections. Marc had been on Prednisone and Zithromax for a few days...he seemed able to fight it off faster than I could.

Monday morning rolled around...a shower took all my energy. I ended up in the bed or on the couch all day. I managed to return to work on Tuesday, although I sounded like a teenage boy going through puberty all week!

Marc fought through the week, but ended up home on Friday...just worn out.

We had plans for family to come this weekend, but we had no choice except to cancel. I'm so grateful for the long weekend to fully recooperate!

I don't know if it's being so weary from fighting through this cold all week, or completing the first month of school, or just some difficult choices we've had to make lately, but my emotions have been all over the place. The latest wave of emotion just took me by surprise and honestly...knocked me off my feet.

One thing I've learned through this 10 year battle with infertility is that I never know when it's going to hit me.
It's been a year since we've had any treatment. At times, I am completely at peace with not pursuing any more treatment. In the next minute, I can be in tears over the loss of possibility.

Sometimes, like today, everyone's good news is just too much for me. I know how horrible that sounds. It doesn't sound any better in my head than it does out loud or on paper.

I want to celebrate when friends announce their pregnancies. I want to be excited over their baby showers and nursery decorations.

But there are times, I just cannot do it. I can't bear to see anymore cute baby clothes. I can't bear to paint another canvas for a baby shower gift. I can't leave sweet comments on their facebook statuses. I can't bear it when someone chooses a name for their little one that was on "our list." I just can't do it.

It's just a weird place to be. Such a hard position.

We signed up for a life group at church a couple of weeks ago.
"Young couple"
"Couple with young children"
"Families with teens"
"Empty Nesters"

Been married 10 years. In our early 30's. Neither "young" couple nor couple with kids.

So where do we fit?

Some days, like today...the emotion of being "in between" is just too hard. Knowing God has a plan, but having no clue what that plan is...too hard.

Praying for peace in this valley or deliverance to the mountain top.

Because days like today are just too hard.